So I started counting days a few weeks ago and now I have a week to go.
Seriously. m(_ _)m
It may sounds lame and all, but I just am.
Today, errr I mean yesterday, was a hectic day for me. Several incidents happened and I ended up not in bed till now.
And so I began to have this flashback images, reminiscing those years when I was younger and having so many challenges in life. 2007 especially. More to come for 2013, eh?
2007 was 'the darkest' year to me, throughout my whole life. And the years after that especially this year brought me more light, shining through my heart!
Allahu Allah! Alhamdulillah...
I remember how hard it was to hijrah without so much supports from the people around me, especially not in the form of being understanding and giving me a pat on my shoulder for doing the hijrah thingy. Yup, most of the people around me didn't even notice how pathetic I was and how I was struggling in the battle!
So I learnt.
Then I prayed (and still is praying!) that I will certainly try to be istiqamah and Alhamdulillah I made it so far.
I am still struggling though. In my own battle.
And this year after quitting my job - the one that was very dearly to me (which is another huge hijrah I did!), I finally made a decision which I found as somehow a lil bit selfish and ignorance.
However, I went to my father and said;
"Ada cita-cita nak dicapai ni. Tapi agak mementingkan diri sendiri..."
He listened. To all my crazy ideas and insane dreams.
And guess what?
"If that's what you want, I'm here to support you!"
See, family will always be there aite? Allah Allah!
Yeah, I am worry about 'leaving' my family behind. About money (of course!). About how can I survive by doing this hijrah. About am I going to be able to hold on my akidah and akhlak as a Muslim by doing this hijrah. About my future especially after this goal is done. Well urmmm, basically about everything!
So after this hijrah, now what?
So what about my family? Is it the right thing to do at this moment?
So how am I going to get the money for this?
So can I perform my solah on time, dressing the way I should?
Yadda yadda yadda.
The list goes on!
I went to a few other people and asked their opinions.
A younger ones for some fresh air, and older ones of course for their wisdoms. I've got different perspective and that worked very well.
And I referred to Allah.
Finally here I am, gearing up for the next phase in life. And it was a dream I'd once cherish during my school years and never been granted with it so far. I hope this time, it will insha-Allah.
For that, I thank Allah and I know I have a huge mission coming ahead.
It's not about being selfish any more. It's not about just me any more. It's about the ummah and I have this huge responsibility on my shoulder. I'm not doing this for me and my silly nafs. I am doing this lillahitaala and it feels so much better this way. Waaaaaayyyyy better!
See, when we say;
I'm doing this for my... or I'm doing this for you, and that 'my ....' (say, my future) or 'you' is not God, it brings almost zero satisfaction and determination.
When we put it in a different angle;
I'm doing this for Allah, it makes the world a happier place and our hearts beat even more exciting. Full of rhythm, such joy and calmness!
I'm looking forward for the new journey next week. Nerve wracking, yeah definitely!
I have an important event at home just a few days before finally hijrah-ing to a new place. And that's another hijrah I'll be doing this year too! May Allah bless all these and make them the reasons to welcome me to His wonderful jannah. Amiin.
[ Merenung passport sampai tembus! ]
And I have this hesitation whether or not to share my journey to the world. A few good friends of mine suggested me to share on certain limitation. So I guess that's what I'm going to do (I am doing, in fact!) insha-Allah. Please advice, in any case you see me beyond the boundaries as a Muslim and as a young Malay lady.
Please make du'a for me.